Beer 101

Beer and the process of brewing it, tasting it, describing it, blogging about it, etc is truly an art form.  To paint a mental picture using as few words as possible think of the following analogy and make it your mantra:

Budweiser is to Thomas Kinkade* as Unibroue Don de Dieu is to Van Gogh*

To put it bluntly, beer is so much more than the 4.2%, mass-produced swill that most Americans are used to drinking on a regular basis and seeing advertised on some pretty witty Super Bowl commercials.  **Disclaimer - when putting in a 12 hr session watching sports at the bar, I have zero issues with drinking said swill.  As a true enjoyer of beer, you should never be worried about caloric count, whether or not your favorite pro sports franchise beer cozy is on hand to put it in, or whether or not Lance Armstrong drinks it immediately after his latest workout.  It's about the taste, the aroma, the complexities of the beer, the color, how it makes you feel before, during, and after (occasionally "jacked up" as many beers, American especially, are well over 4%), and if you would drink it again. 

There are many good blogs out there, with much smarter authors, who can pick out all the individual tastes and smells, tell you exactly how it was made, etc.  We're pretty dumb, I guess, as we'll just tell you some of the basic details that our Cro-Magnon brains can make out:

1) what glass we used to drink it

2) what we smelled

3) color

4) overall satisfaction/grade

5) whatever else we feel like
6) whether we would recommend it to you or not

In the meantime, here is some VERY basic information to get you started and to help you decide which beers to spend your hard earned savings on.  If you have questions, start researching as much as you can.  "Practice makes Perfect" is a saying that applies to even beer - unless it's 9 am on a working Tuesday and you have a job.

1.  Hoppy = fruity, grassy, herbal, "clean". There are two kinds - aromatic (herbal, grassy, fruity, usually easy to drink) and bitter (think bite...shit knocks you on your ass, opens your eyes, "rips your tongue off")
2. IBU's = International Bitter Units - the higher the IBU number, the more bitter
3. Malty = earthy taste (can be roasted, carmelized, etc)
4. Many extracts go into beers - You'll get beers that have chocolate in them, oatmeal, banana peal, caramel, milk, coffee, fruits of all kinds, etc.  We won't pretend that we can separate flavors in taste like some people can with wine, but we can definitely taste things like coffee, oatmeal, toffee, smoke, etc and so can you.
5. Glassware really does matter - Certain beers DEMAND certain glassware. If you're sitting at home and drinking it, you should have a few glasses on hand - pint glass, brandy snifter, tulip glass, highball glass, goblet. Trust me, the glassware effects the taste. Sam Koch (Sam Adams) has said that they often spend more time perfecting glassware than they do the actual beer. I've read about a couple places in the midwest where they won't serve the beer to patrons if they don't have the right glass. Dont drink from the bottle!  The bottle is a fermentation vessel only and you're better than that.
6. If you hear the term "session" as in "that's a great session beer", it means that it's a beer that's usually easy to drink and has 4-6% alcohol in it. Term comes from British drinking shifts during WWII where people seriously put in 6-7 hrs of 'work' drinking and then went onto a normal working day.
7. If you see a corked beer, it can usually be stored for a year or more (some are only good for a year, some for 25, it's a crap shoot). Store upright (not on it's side like wine) in a cool dark place. 1/2 of the guys writing this blog don't have the will power yet to do this, but he will someday.

Below are some of the MANY, MANY beer styles that exist in the world today.  These tend to be the ones we see and drink the most of, but don't limit yourself to just these.  Unlike college, it's okay to dabble, jump from style to style, and wait 6 years to declare your "major" (favorite).

IPA = India Pale Ale.  Hoppy, fruity, delicious.  American vs. British.  Like everything else American, our IPA version tends to be bolder, more bitter, higher alcohol content (ABV), and usually fruity or grassy.  They can range from pale yellow to dark gold to occassionally a light reddish hue.

Pale Ale = Similar to IPA's, but slightly less hoppy and usually paler in color. Still possesses fruity/grassy characteristics, can be less bitter to more bitter, but a bit less intense overall compared to IPA's.  We tend to think of Pale Ales as IPA's less successful cousin who still lives at home with mom.  To us, if you're reaching for a pale ale, you might as well keep reaching for an IPA instead (unless it's a Rye Pale Ale or you're looking for something with lower ABV).

DIPA = Double/Imperial IPA.  As the beeradvocate.com so eloquently puts it, "DIPA's are IPA's on steroids."  We couldn't agree more.  These tend to be in the 8%-11% ABV range, bitter, usually loads of citrus, and entirely delightful.  One of our favorite styles.

Stout = Usually dark in color (dark brown to jet black), they often taste roasted, smokey, coffe-ish (is that a word?).  There are a wide variety of sub styles within this style, but usually the heaviest beers, fairly or unfairly, are associated with this style.  If you've never had one, think Guiness.

Imperial/Double Stout = Again, Stout on steroids.  Very high ABV percentages, dark brown to jet black, delicious.  Many beers of this style are laced with bourbon or whiskey via oak barrels as part of the brewing process.  Like stouts there will often be caramel, coffee, toffee, and even chocolate (you'll be back to your pimple-faced teenager self in no time) flavors.

Belgians = We just put them into one category because there are so many different styles. The major styles are trippels, quadrupels, and trappists.  Trappists are only brewed by monks, of which there are only 7 breweries in the world that produce certified trappist beer - many of which can be found in your stores and restaurants. These are super complex, fruity, sugary, high alcohol, creamy beers. The difference between trippels and quadruppels reflects the number of times above the normal malt amount is used during the brew process (trippel =3, quad = 4, duh).

Miscellaneous = This is here because we're just lazy and don't want to take the time to list all the others we drink.  Barleywines, Saisons, various ales of all colors and styles, all live here.  Anywhere from pale gold to amber to brown, from 4% ABV to 13% (Barleywines tend to be the strongest of all brews), from low IBU to extremely bitter beers, it's up to you to try them and to sort them out.  To get you started, take a look at Rogue Dead Guy Ale, a good beer to start you down the craft beer road, Boulevard Saison Brett or Brewery Ommegang Hennepin, and Great Divide Old Ruffian Barleywine.

*No disrespect, Mr. Kinkade, sir, you paint some mean twinkle lights and cobblestone streets

*Sans depression + exposed aurio cavities due to self mutilation (we are really not that smart, had to look it up)